The disappointment that you feel after doing your personal best and not having the outcome that you wanted is a hurt no one else can feel for you… not your mom, your dad, your coach or your best friends.
It’s a hurt that not many people know.
I always compare pageantry to sports and politics. I’m much more familiar with the latter but don’t be fooled… I am knowledgeable enough to make a great comparison.
In politics, there is a clear winner based on a number of votes (and let’s not talk about the Electoral College right now…). In sports, there is a clear winner based on a point system that is determined by a person or team’s physical ability to execute plays to gain points.
Now, of course, there is a point system in every pageant. It could include interview, fitness or swimsuit, talent, evening gown, on-stage question and/or fun fashion. The difference between pageantry and sports is that there is no such thing as a true winner based on ability. Pageantry comes down to this one thing that we can’t control… likability.
Now, when I say likability, that does not mean that the judges didn’t like YOU. They just happened to like someone else for that title or job on that day. On any other day, they could have liked you or someone else.
Reading that statement won’t stop you from thinking, “What is it about ME?!”
I’ve been there. I’ve experienced the low of losing more times than I will ever feel the high of winning. I’ve cried in the car leaving the auditorium. I’ve been in my room by myself the week after sobbing and questioning God’s plan for my life. I’ve analyzed video after video of my stage presence. I’ve been angry. I’ve switched systems. I’ve done it all.
So, when I share this advice with you, know that it’s coming from a place of understanding. Here we go…
1) Don’t run from the grief!
Like losing a loved one or getting a “no” for a dream opportunity, you may have to mourn what is now your reality. Just like grieving anything else, everyone’s process is different.
This was something that you worked tirelessly for, spent hard earned money on and that forced you to ask for support from loved ones and strangers. You had little girls who were looking up to you! None of what you did was easy.
Allow yourself to acknowledge and sit in those feelings for a while. You may need a day or two. Like a breakup, you might think you’re over it and have a rush of emotions weeks or months later.
The hardest part is aging out. I’ll have another post about that soon.
For now, please don’t rush yourself to “get over it”. You have worked hard and you are allowed to grieve harder.
2) Let go of the comparisons.
Listen, I’ve smiled on the stage clapping for someone else knowing that I’d done more appearances and service hours and I had spent way more time being intentional on my paperwork and on social media. I have even felt the hurt of knowing that I wanted it more than the person who walked away with the crown and sash.
Sadly, none of the negative thoughts that you’ve allowed yourself to think of your own performance or anyone else’s will change the outcome.
In fact, letting it go as soon as you realize you’re doing it (comparing) will help you to move on or to prepare your mindset for your comeback!
3) Stop beating yourself up!
Now, I’m a firm believer in analyzing my performance for improvement. (Hello Leo, Virgo, Capricorn energy!) However, I am not going to wallow in what didn’t go as planned for one very simple reason… it’s over.
Beating yourself up about a performance or outcome takes away from all of the incredible work that you did! If you are going to bask in anything, bask in the fact that you got on stage in front of hundreds or thousands of people. You didn’t let your fears stop you from chasing your dreams!
There is always room for improvement… even for the winner. So, don’t be so mean to yourself. Be kind to the girl or woman that you are today. A year from now, she will thank you for speaking positively about her experiences, her performance, her determination and her willpower. Trust me!
4) Don’t make any hasty decisions.
There will be another pageant director in your DMs the minute you step off the stage asking you to compete. There might even be a family member encouraging you to sign up immediately.
No matter what you do, take a beat!
Give yourself a timeframe that works for you before you make any decisions about your next pageant. It could be three days or a week. It could be a month or half a year. Set your own parameters to step away from the world of pageants before you decide on your next move.
Pause before you grab another crown... just to say that you have it. Most times, you'll find that it doesn't heal that feeling of disappointment any faster. (I know that feeling from experience, too.)
You are incredible with or without a title. So, don't rush!
5) Take note of your other wins!
Positioned To Win™ came from the same place of disappointment that so many of you are feeling now. After losing a title that I’d dreamed about and didn’t have the opportunity to compete for again, I made a list of all that I’d gained from competing. The list went from receiving scholarships and coveted awards to making friends and having a wardrobe of great items that I could wear in my professional life.
The list was long and included many intangible things... like confidence, learning to commanding the attention of the room and answering tough interview questions. At the end, I asked myself, “Did you do your personal best?”. I smiled with satisfaction knowing that although I hadn't won, I had so many wins to be excited about!
If you didn’t win the title, I encourage you to make a list of how you’ve used this experience to put yourself in #PositionToWin.
All in all, one of the greatest gifts of pageantry is learning to reframe your losses as lessons. You may not be Miss *insert title* but you have won in so many other ways. Never forget that you've put yourself in position to win!